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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26462044">Crowley's gone</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagiri/pseuds/Sagiri'>Sagiri</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Good Omens (Radio), Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman &amp; Terry Pratchett</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Aziraphale Loves Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Loves Aziraphale (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before Falling (Good Omens), Crowley is a Mess (Good Omens), Eden - Freeform, Gabriel and the others not so much, God Ships Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Heaven &amp; Hell, Hurt Crowley, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), Lucifer is a good big bro, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oblivious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Other, Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), Protective Crowley, Protective Lucifer, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Snake Crowley (Good Omens), Soft Aziraphale (Good Omens), The plants will die, The slowest burn in history, Worried Aziraphale (Good Omens), anathema the plant- sitter, crowley loves his plants, like seriously, obvious crowley, they are so dumb, who are we kidding?</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 07:55:48</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,194</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26462044</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sagiri/pseuds/Sagiri</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>After that devastating phone call, Crowley realizes that nothing has changed between them at all. Back to square one as the humans say... Pathetic, really.</p><p>That oblivious Angel will probably never get the hint. And that hurts... Hurts even more than vaguely sauntering downwards. Hell. Who's he even kidding? Not even God's silence treatment had hurt that much!</p><p>So, wasn't it time to let go? Simply sleeping it off like he always did wasn't an option anymore.</p><p> </p><p> *Basically, Crowley's done with Aziraphael's obliviousness after their last phone call and decides to leave for good this time. Going to the only place he knows the Angel would never consider looking for him; Heaven.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Anathema Device/Newton Pulsifer, Aziraphale &amp; Crowley (Good Omens), Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>118</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Crowley's gone</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The idea wouldn't leave me so here we go.</p><p>Be aware that English is not my native language. There will probably plenty of mistakes so I'll apologize in advance.<br/>Leave a comment if you'd like. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Unbelievable. Just... Ngghh!"</p><p>Why was it that the Angel always seemed so concerned about literally everything except his best and only friend on this God blasted- On this damn planet?</p><p>It wasn't like Crowley had asked him to run away again nor to marry him (not that he wouldn't like that)! All he had wanted was to come over to the Angel's place so they could spend the quarantine together. Nothing more, nothing less.</p><p>After all, Aziraphale hadn't called Crowley nor had the two accidentally crossed paths since they dinned at the Ritz.</p><p>At first, Crowley thought that the Angel definitely needed some space to acclimate to their new situation after the averted not-apocalypse. But after weeks had passed without so much as a sign of life from Aziraphale, Crowley became disturbingly restless and had decided to call the Angel.</p><p>Out of boredom of course. Not because he was worried about the Angel's well being or something alike.</p><p>At first, he had thought the call had gone relatively well, but of course, the universe must have thought it went too well for its liking because after a few poor excuses from Aziraphale's side everything went down the hill.</p><p>Aziraphale's excuses were hollow and undeniably bad but for the most part, he sounded like he suspected Crowley to have some sort of ulterior motives...</p><p>Well, maybe there had been some ulterior motives from Crowley's side, but it's not like he would have ever acted on them! Why couldn't the Angel just say yes for once? Why pointing out all those unnecessary things, when Aziraphale knew damn well that none of his reasoning mattered to Crowley. They were a fucking Angel and a Demon! It wasn't like they could get ill, like the damn humans. A simple no would have been sufficient enough for Crowley to back off and leave the matter very well alone. It would have stung, sure. But not as much as the ridiculous excuses the Angel had made up instead.</p><p>It felt like Aziraphale had slapped him straight into the face. It had been an open-handed smack and it stung. Not his face of course, but rather his heart.<br/>Yeah. He actually possessed a damn heart! Sometimes he wished he didn't, given how the Angel always managed to regularly trample over it without a care in the world.</p><p>Was meeting up with him really such a big deal for Aziraphale? Or was it still the fact that Crowley was a Demon? Would the Angel consider Crowley's feelings if he hadn't fallen? If he were still an Angel?</p><p>He didn't know.</p><p>They were friends, weren't they? They enjoyed the company of the other... Or was that just Crowley's wishful thinking?</p><p>But... Aziraphale had indeed told him they weren't friends. Even pointed out that Crowley had fallen from Heaven's grace.</p><p>Crowley hadn't thought about it that closely, but he hadn't changed much since his fall. His name had become another, sure. But that was about it. He had kept his wings, much to his surprise as well as his personality, his thoughts, his wishes... Nothing had changed much. He was still the unteachable, meddlesome, and curious being from before which liked to question things the most.</p><p>He wasn't acting very demonic perse. His demonic deads had never been harmful nor cruel. Thinking back, he had done more good deads down on earth than most of the Angels loitering around in Heaven.</p><p>And yet... Aziraphale did his best to keep a clear line between them. One that particular screamed not te be crossed by the Demon.</p><p>It hurt. Really.<br/>That Crowly stupidly had thought that they finally could take a step forward to grow closer. No one was watching their backs anymore. They were free to do whatever they desired. An Angel and a Demon against Heaven and Hell... They were on their own side and it felt right. At least that was that Crowley had thought.</p><p>Aziraphale...</p><p>Well, he didn't know at times. It seemed that for Aziraphale they were still just that; A Demon and an Angel. Nothing more nothing less.</p><p>Back to square one as the humans so deliberately say.</p><p>That same old spiel between them which had been going on for almost 6000 years now.</p><p>It bothered him. Bothered him to the point that he felt the need to hide from the whole world but mostly Aziraphale.<br/>Sure, he could sleep it off. That was what he always did when something bothered him. Especially when the Angel bothered him.<br/>He would sleep to momentarily forget. About the pain, Aziraphale, God's silent treatment, and the hollowness he felt growing bigger and bigger inside of his heart with each passing day.</p><p>Sometimes he would sleep for weeks maybe even months, and occasionally for years... Depending on his state of mind and how much Aziraphale had managed to hurt him.</p><p>But sleeping never helped much. It just dulled the pain, made it hurt less. But it never filled the emptiness within him. It made him tired, which in itself should be a paradox. Sleep wasn't supposed to wear you down...</p><p>Yet, here he was again; Considering to sleep it off. Even longer than he originally had planned. Because Aziraphale had managed to shatter his heart again, probably didn't even know that he had done it in the first place. That silly Angel probably enjoyed some fine tea time while reading one of those old tomes he, oh so, dearly loved. Probably without a care in the world and no spare thought for the sulking Demon.</p><p>Maybe... Maybe this was Aziraphale's way of telling him to get the hint. Maybe he kept drawing that silly line between them over and over again because Crowley kept crossing it. Perhaps he wasn't as oblivious as Crowley mused... Eventually, he was just acting polite towards the Demon like he always did.</p><p>And maybe, just maybe, it was time for Crowley to let it go?</p><p>
  <em>'You go too fast for me, Crowley.'</em>
</p><p>Yeah, he had said that but... What was Crowley supposed to do with that information? Crowley always assumed the Angel had referred to his driving skills. Had he misinterpreted the whole thing?</p><p>He sighed deeply, caressing a hand absentmindedly through his always pristine looking hair.<br/>After a while, Crowley found himself staring down at his hands, looking at them as if he was staring at nothing but thin air. The eerie silence of his apartment resembling the hollow feeling in his chest.</p><p>"I created the stars and build nebula after nebula, each more beautiful than the last, and yet, to him I'm simply..."</p><p><em>'But that was in another life.'</em><br/>He thought bitterly.<br/><em>'Now I'm just a Demon. A filthy, disgusting being which was cast out from heaven alongside all the other trash.'</em></p><p> </p><p>Crowley felt the sinking feeling that sleep wouldn't be able to help him to get over this whole mess... At least this time.</p><p>He needed to get away from it. Or rather; He needed to get the fuck away from Aziraphale. The further away the better. Somewhere where he could sulk in peace. A place where the Angel would never look for him. Oh. And the Angel would try to look for him. Crowley knew that a few of their accidental meetings in the past hadn't been, oh so randomly as Aziraphael had wanted him to believe.</p><p>But where should he go?</p><p>Alpha Centauri? Nah. Crowley had mentioned going there too much during the not-apocalypse. The Angel would look there for him first.</p><p>Atlantis? Nope. Too cold for his serpentine liking.</p><p>Maybe the remains of Eden? But there wasn't much left of Eden well, besides a few stones and the seemingly endless desert. The heat would be nice, though.</p><p>Hell?</p><p>He could ask his brother if he could stay for... Ah. Nope. Not an option either. His brother didn't even know that Crowley had been lurking around Hell for a certain amount of time. He had once tried to tell him but ultimately decided against it. At that time everyone down there had been freshly fallen, broken beyond repair...<br/>He had taken a glimpse at his brother and knew almost immediately that it wouldn't do him any good to approach him in his twisted, disillusioned, and beaten state.</p><p>His brother had lost his glory, all the traits Crowley had admired and loved him for... It was as if he was entirely lost to the hatred. The remainings of his former self were corrupted, bitter, and twisted to the very core. Crowley, in return, hadn't been too different from his times as an Angel.<br/>His holy self had somehow remained, and like his wings, his heart hadn't been taunted and crumbled to ashes. It had probably been for the best to hide his identity back then... Another missed chance maybe. Who knows?</p><p>Though, it had helped him out quite a lot.<br/>Not telling them and the fact that he had been so different from the other Demons.</p><p>In Heaven, he had been an outsider. His siblings thought of him as foolish for staying neutral and not wanting to choose a side when it was clear that war was inevitable. He had tried to arbitrate the situation instead, to settle the dispute in peace rather than with violence. But it had been all in vain.</p><p>The same went for Hell...<br/>He was an outsider there, too. But with the slight difference that he had stopped to meddle at one point.</p><p>Well, at least until he met Aziraphale and turned his back against Hell to stop the not-apocalypse.</p><p>No. Hell was definitely not an option either. He couldn't just go back there nor suddenly reveal who he really was. Not after what he had done.</p><p>Crowley sighed again, this time a lot more tired before he started for his plants. He hadn't threatened them recently, and he got the distinct feeling that a few of them might be slacking off while he was engaging in self-pity. His plants always tended to make the best out of his demise but a good old threat about landing in the waste disposal unit usually took them out of their revolting demeanor.</p><p>He chuckled tiredly at the thought of Aziraphale's face when the Angel had seen Crowley's pristine looking plants for the first time a few weeks ago.</p><p>Aziraphael's face had been so dumb-looking, the disbelieve written all other his face.</p><p>"They look like the ones from Eden..."<br/>The Angel had mumbled, more to himself than to Crowley.<br/>It had been funny that the Angel had almost immediately recognized the plants, but not the giant stone Eagle which he had passed mere minutes before.</p><p>A fond smile plastered itself almost automatically on Crowley's face, distracting the Demon from everything besides the Angel's astonished face. He had been so occupied with Aziraphale that he hadn't even noticed that he had stepped into that disgusting poodle of goo which consisted of the remains of Aziraphale's holy water and the Demon Ligur.</p><p><em>'Huh? If that's not interesting.'</em><br/>He had thought absentmindedly, his brows kneading into a frown.</p><p><strong>1941</strong> had shown Crowley that he, to his surprise, was pretty much immune to most of the things which usually destroyed a Demon. The painful winces he had made when he had stepped on the consecrated ground of the church had been merely a charade he thought necessary to play in front of the Angel. Aziraphael might have been oblivious to a certain point, but a Demon walking over the consecrated ground of a church with not even the slightest hint of being in an awfully amount of pain would have piqued even Aziraphale's interest at last.</p><p>He hadn't paid it that much mind at that time, too occupied with his urgent need to save the silly Angel yet again from a dire situation.</p><p>Only that much later, than he accidentally overheard a conversation between lower Demons that not even Hastur nor Beelzebub had been able to enter the consecrated ground of a church without being discorporated on the spot, did he found out that he was, yet again, different from the other Demons.</p><p>Standing in that mixture of holy water and Demon remains had brought that memory back to the forefront of his mind almost instantaneously.</p><p><em>'So holy water doesn't harm me either.'</em><br/>He had thought bemused, feeling glad that this solved at least one of their many problems given that they were facing their impending death and all that shit...</p><p> </p><p>But today, in that especially bad mood of his, he thought otherwise about the whole matter and felt entirely thankful for his past self to have kept that new information from the Angel.</p><p>"Suicide is out of the question then, too..."<br/>He said with a bitter smile on his face while caressing one of his plants absentmindedly.</p><p>Not that he would ever throw his life away just like that. The thought of ceasing to exist was an unsettling one. Yet, he couldn't stop to feel a fit of anger rising in his gut.</p><p>"I can't stay here, I can't go into space nor can I return to Hell. I'm stuck! Damn! I can't even fuckin' kill myself! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck!"<br/>He snarled poisonously, pacing through the room like a wounded animal in a cage.</p><p>"Fuck. This is all your fault! Do you hear me?! You and your stupid temper tantrum!"<br/>One of his fingers pointed accusingly upwards to the ceiling as if there was more to the eye than just the greyish color of the concrete.</p><p>"All I did was to ask you why! Was that really such a bad thing to do?! That whole war, all that unnecessary pain, and grief which you could have easily prevented if you just had talked to them! All that bullshit about the great plan... If it is such a great fuckin' plan of yours why does it keep hurting everyone who's unwillingly involved?! I never asked for this... I never complained not even once... Not even after you kicked me out! So- So-"<br/>He paused, feeling how his voice went sour with every single word which left his lips.</p><p>"So, why? Why are you keep mocking me? Why didn't you take my wings? Was it so that I wouldn't forget just how low I have fallen? Why leaving me stranded in a place where I am not supposed to feel love when you didn't even bother to take those feelings away from me in the first place? You even deprived me of the ability to end my existence! Was that single question I asked really so much worse than fighting alongside Samael?! Is that the reason why you let me met Aziraphale? Is that also a part of your ineffable plan or just another cruel way to torture me?!"</p><p>He stared up, waiting for an answer which he logically knew would never come.</p><p>"Anser me... Answer me! I said; <strong>ANSWER ME!</strong>"</p><p>Crowley couldn't contain the sobs anymore. He started to cry as if his brain was being shredded from the inside.</p><p>"I love him so much... It- It hurts. Loving Aziraphale... Hurts more than falling from your grace. All I want is for him to love me back... Why can't he love me?"<br/>Pain flowed out of his every pore. His cries felt so raw and painful that even the plants around him shuddered at the sight of his tears and his violent shaking. His mood had been bad before, but such a sudden outbreak of raw emotions was even new to them.</p><p>The world around him turned into a blur, and so did all the sounds. Everything seemed so pointless now after the floodgates had opened and the tears were continuously spilling down his face. He didn't need to breathe but he did so nonetheless and heavier than ever before.</p><p> </p><p>Time passed while he kept crying until the tears wouldn't come anymore.</p><p> </p><p>"I've enough of that shit..."</p><p>He sobbed, rubbing the tears from his face while casting an apologetic look over to his plants. The poor things were still shuddering... Well, at least not in fear like they used to but out of sheer worry for him.</p><p>"You brought this onto yourself... You might not answer me now, but that doesn't have to stop me from annoying the hell out of you."<br/>He said in a low whisper before he went up and made a beeline for the table, grabbing a piece of paper and a fancy looking pencil on his way.</p><p>"I will make you talk even if it's the last thing I will do..."</p><p>Heaven hadn't been a place he liked much, but it would do for a while. After all; He had wanted to leave anyways.<br/>It probably wasn't one of his smarter ideas but he had done stupider things before so he didn't really care anymore.<br/>Actually, this wasn't such a bad idea after all.<br/>Two birds with just one stone, wasn't that that the humans liked to say in such a situation?</p><p>Plus; Of all the places Crowley could think of, Aziraphale would never dare to search for the Demon in Heaven. Therefore, the chances that the Angel would find him were basically close to zero.</p><p>He sat down at the table and hastily started to write a note for Aziraphale. The fear that he would have a sudden change of heart was simply too present in his mind as to wait a moment longer. He had to leave now. For his and Aziraphale's sake.</p><p>It didn't take him long to finish the note and to cast a last glance around his flat. Without him here, his plants would probably wither and die. That thought didn't sit too well with him. He might have screamed at them and threatened them, but he never harmed a single plant that had been in his care. He merely had put them into his Bedroom when they hadn't behaved so that the other plants would fear they were next if they simply didn't grow better. Crowley loved his plants dearly, he just couldn't show it to them.</p><p>"I'm going to send you guys on a vacation. I know it will be futile but don't slack off while I'm gone."<br/>He glared at his plants one last time, before snapping his fingers and they miraculously disappeared into thin air.</p><p>Hopefully, Anathema wouldn't manage to kill his plants off within the matters of mere weeks. That woman hadn't made the impression of the <em>'caring for plants'</em> type, but between her and Newt, Crowley got the feeling that she was ultimately the least life-threatening choice to take care of his plants.</p><p>He took a last glimpse at the note he had left for Aziraphale, before he too, vanished into thin air.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Dear Angel,</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I can't take this anymore. Don't look for me, it will be futile.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>This. All of this. It just hurts too much. And knowing that you will never-</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Nevermind. It doesn't matter anymore.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>I'm sorry for leaving without saying goodbye to you in person. I'm sorry for the things I said, did, and never found the courage to do...</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Farewell, Angel - I will miss you.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Crowley.</em>
</p>
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